my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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