I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
