Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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