Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
