I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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