I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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