Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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