She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
