Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
