I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
