The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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