She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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