I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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