the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
