The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
