everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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