This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
