dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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