woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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