So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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