Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
