last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
