Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
