Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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