he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
