you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
