I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
