a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
