She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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