I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
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Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
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