why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wish my penis had a tongue
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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