Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You don't make any sense
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