I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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