it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
