you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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