I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
