I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
