You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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