I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
