he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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