Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
