..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
