Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
