I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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