who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
