yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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