Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
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