Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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