You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
