Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My bed smells like the plague
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
