For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
