I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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