He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
