Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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