Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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