Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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