The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
