I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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