just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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