So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
