I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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